by CLC

What is a person with Asperger Syndrome like?

answered by CLC, January 12, 2020

The only one I know is difficult, at best, to describe. He is my husband.

When I first met him, I could see how much he longed to be liked. But liking someone depends on knowing them, and he is not easy to know. He is misunderstood. He is written off easily. At first people are enamoured with him, and then they are offended and appalled. I am no exception.

What keeps us going strong is me. I don’t have the heart to give up on him. Who would love him like I do? Who would explain to people that he doesn’t mean what he says in the way that it sounds? Who would take care of him? I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I wasn’t here for him, he would be in big trouble. He can’t manage on his own.

So what’s he like?

He has a unique way of looking at things and talking about them. He’s always an expert and there is never any doubt in his mind that what he says is fact. I could only dream of being that confident in myself. When he is right, he is magical to listen to. When he is ever shown to be wrong, his mind protects itself from being wrong. He absorbs the new knowledge as if it came from within him and doesn’t remember thinking any other way.

He cares about people in the most reversed way that I have ever seen. It’s not easy to explain, but it’s like he can’t understand their needs or wants, and yet he personally needs them to feel that he is understanding, so he tries really hard to please them. He learns how he needs to act to make them happy with him.

He doesn’t look at things the way the average person does. He misunderstands people as much as they misunderstand him. A simple glance or an innocent smile can be taken by him as a person thinking negatively of him. I have to explain others to him just as I explain him to them.

He is like a deer caught in headlights when he is faced with situations he is uncomfortable with. For instance, ordering food in a restaurant, making decisions, or being asked questions. He will stare straight ahead or straight at you, and not say a word.

He dreams of doing great things, but jumps ahead to the outcomes, without understanding that he must start somewhere. He believes he can do things, such as inventing nearly anything, building his own house, or being a great telemarketer.

The most frustrating part of what he is like, is that he believes the decisions he makes will cause things to play out in a certain way, and if things don’t play out that way, it’s always someone else’s fault, no matter what. It’s very rare for him to accept any responsibility for anything at all, unless it is something good.

One day I made a wrong turn and needed to turn around. I was trying to turn on the one lane blacktop, but he was impatient and wanted me to turn in the muddy field. I reminded him that we have gotten stuck before, even with 4 wheel drive, but he was insistent.

So, like an idiot, I gave in and put it in 4 wheel drive and tried turning on the soft ground. Of course we got stuck! It was extremely soft and muddy. And then he got behind the wheel and tried until our starter actually broke. He said we got stuck because I don’t know how to drive in the mud.

Well, he’s right about that. But what he doesn’t understand is that he already knew that I couldn’t drive in the mud and that I didn’t want to try driving in the mud. He magically expected me to do what he’s seen me not be able to do, many, many times. So the next time this situation comes up, he will still expect it to turn out okay, and he will still want me to drive in the mud, and still blame me if we get stuck.

I have learned that you cannot expect him to think differently in cases like that. He thinks you can do it just as much as he thinks he can do it. He sees only what he wants to happen—he can’t comprehend any other possibility.

A person with Asperger Syndrome needs special people around them that can understand them and help them. One thing I have seen with Derick’s relationships, is that no one truly understands him. Heck, even I have my moments where I am just in disbelief of something he has said, or done, or something I can’t get him to understand for the life of me.

Now all of this is coming from the point of view of someone who likely has some kind of “syndrome” herself, but I’ve tried to be somewhat objective.

The following is a list of descriptive words or phrases I would use to describe what my husband is like.

Highly focused (obsessed at times).

Extremely self-absorbed.

Highly emotional or no emotion at all, depending on the circumstances.

Not concerned at all with safety, again, depending on the circumstances.

Doesn’t understand hints, vocal or facial. Interprets most of them incorrectly.

Remembers wrong dates, directions, instructions, colors, people, etc., but is convinced he has a photographic memory. He calls his memory picturegraphic.

Blunt to the point of rudeness—doesn’t understand why it’s rude.

There’s so much more, but again, it’s really hard to describe.

One thing—perhaps the worst thing—is that he can’t see past what he wants. If he wants it, nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter if the bills get paid, it doesn’t matter if someone’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t matter if he loses everything he holds dear. The only thing that stands in the way of him destroying his life as he knows it is my constant vigilance at limiting what he comes in contact with, or talks about. Diversion is also a beautiful thing.

I am 58 years old and Derick is 21. I’m sure now that Asperger’s played a huge role in him being attracted to me. I am a giver and he is a taker. But one day, he will not need me. One day someone will come along that falls head over heels for him. He will see that and he will be gone. I have no doubt of it.

I will feel bad for both of them. No one will understand and cater to him like I do, and she...well, she will have her work cut out for her, and will never be appreciated for it. He doesn’t care about and will never care about anything except his own feelings and desires.

If you ask him, he will tell you that I am the love of his life. He will tell you that I am beautiful. He believes we will be together for the rest of my life. Maybe we will. That depends on a lot of things, not the least of which is his constant need for something new and different. He obsesses, then moves on.

I know I’ve painted a bleak picture of what a person with Asperger’s is like. Am I supposed to be positive? Is Asperger Syndrome a positive thing? All I can say is that Derick is my favorite person, in spite of everything. I can’t imagine my life without him.